I Love You, Gramma

  I don't even know where to begin or what to say. My gramma, the one who held me as a baby, helped me as child, and encouraged me as an adult, peacefully passed away yesterday. You know, I always prided myself in being a very emotionally and mentally strong person, but this has just torn my heart to pieces. I went to her room, brought her some food the night before she passed and said goodnight like any other night. I only wish I had held onto her and never let go. I wasn't ready for this at all and I'll be the first to admit I don't know how to handle myself.

  I came home everyday and watched her struggle to get through another day as her health got worse and worse. She didn't deserve that. But she was strong. She always made time for us, always managed to smile through her pain. She was my living inspiration that I could literally get through anything, because she managed to get through everything. Ever since I was little, she always told me to follow my dreams. As I grew up, she always believed in me even when I doubted myself. But you know what? She's no longer in pain. She's no longer struggling just to get out of bed.

  Something my boyfriend mentioned to me, in scientific terms, he reminded me of the 1st Law of Thermodynamics:

Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only change form.

Gramma's energy has not been destroyed. Her body does not live anymore, but her spirit does.
Even her body will be beautifully recycled and her carbon will be redispursed through the ground, the plants, the atmosphere. Gramma will literally always be here. She'll be in the air I breathe, the wind I feel, a tree I see. And she'll always and forever live on in my heart.

  No, I don't think it's fair that she won't be there to see me graduate. I won't be able to hug her at my wedding. Just sitting downstairs alone, the silence of not hearing her oxygen machine tears me apart. But she's still here. She believed in me, and I'll continue that by believing in myself. I want to be strong just like her. I want to take whatever life gives me and still manage a smile, just like she did. I know she'll be smiling down. I want to become the woman she knew I could be.

   I miss you Gramma. I will always remember our times together. I'll miss setting up my hookah outside and laughing at the stories you'd tell me as you joined me. I love, and forever will love you. And I will always feel you in the nature around me, and keep you in the soul inside me.